I was asked by one of my friends to write a blog addressing what it is like to be a third wheel and advising those in that situation on what should be done in order to keep the peace...
So what happens when you know two of your closest friends like each other as more than friends? I'm sure if one is placed in this situation, many questions may run through one's mind... Should I get them together? Should I try to keep them from getting together? Will they ever actually date? How long will they last? When they date, what happens to me? When they are over, what happens to my relationship with each of them? Well, most people have several categories in their brain: Friend, Enemy, Acquaintance, Possible Relationship, Crush, etc... So, when someone has a crush on someone else, they automatically place that person in the "Crush" or "Possible Relationship" category. That person is no longer in the "Friend" category, but you are. Because of that, as the third wheel, one has to realize that one is now in fact the third wheel. The dynamic is totally different, whether one realizes it or not. The person who has the crush on the other friend first no longer sees the situation as "Oh, we're all good friends!". Unfortunately, often times, that person will begin to only focus on the person they have a crush on. This is either because they want something more to happen, or simply because they can't help but focus on that person.
When the other person realizes that they too have a mutual crush, there is pretty much no turning back, at least for most cases. When your two friends begin to date, most of the time, things will never be the same between all three people involved. The two people in the relationship will understandably want to hang out with each other a lot- alone. That means there is not always going to be that friend time for everyone to just relax and have a chill time. So, as the third wheel, if you speak your mind, two things can happen. Things could change and you could begin to hang out with your dating friends, or nothing can happen and you will stay upset, and you must learn to accept the new situation. The best advice for a third wheel is that if you feel left out, you should have a conversation with your dating friends. In any friendship or relationship in your life, communication is key. That sounds like such a cliche, but it is the truth. You can't expect for things to be fixed or improved if others don't know that you are upset. Always let your friends know your feelings. You may also want to let them know how you feel before they begin to date. This could completely get them thinking about how their relationship will affect others. So, if you begin to hang out with the couple, start bring other people into your group, that way you are never left out and you always have someone to talk to since your dating friends might be too caught up in each other. If your friends don't work to change the fact that you are being left out, then it is best to move on. However difficult this may be (or however difficult you think this may be), you must find other friends. You can't work towards two people who don't value you enough to work towards you.
The hard part comes into play when your two friends break up. Do you stay friends with both of them? Well, your intentions should always be to stay friends with both people. A lot of times when people break up, they are able to stay friends and be cordial to each other, but sometimes that is not the case. Sometimes exes despise each other so much that they can't even stand to be in the same room with each other. Then what do you do? Stay friends with both of them, especially since you were friends with them before anything even happened. What ever you do, do not choose sides. That will only result in you losing a friendship, which is not what you are trying to do. The absolute best thing you can do after the break up is have a talk with both people, whether they are in the same room at the same time or not. Let each of your friends know that you are not going to take sides and that you fully intend to stay cool with both of them. Most of the time, they will understand and you can maintain good friendships. But sometimes, one or the other, or both, may become jealous and drift away from you. That is just something you are going to have to accept. There comes a time in your friendships when you have to cut your losses and when you have to understand that it is not worth it to work towards a friendship when the other person is not working towards it. That's not fair, and what are you really working for anyway? If someone is not working towards being your friend and keeping things okay with you, then what have you got to lose at that point? You have already lost your friend.
This post pretty much describes the worst case scenario, but there are times when everything runs smoothly. Some people truly live by the saying, "Once a friend, always a friend". In that case, the only thing your really need to understand is that you are incredibly lucky that the dynamics of your friendships didn't change.
Good luck to all of my third-wheelers out there, and understand that you are not limited when it comes to friends. Friends can come from everywhere, so just because one of your friendships might end, that doesn't mean you can't find that companionship anywhere else...
Thank you so much for reading, it really does mean a lot to me!
-Brandon
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